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Submitted on
March 23
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The Deserved Murder

Whether from the inside or out
I know now that without a doubt
You’re dead, no longer a thorn in my side
Now do I care for the laws that abide

To this crime? no, for you have killed my beloved kin
With a never ending grin, time and time again.
Should I mourn because you have a family and kids
When you’ve stashed the hearts of my brethren in lids?

Fool, who do you think I am?
Some foolish man that believes in Uncle Sam?
Freedom for all and justice? Please, they do you no good.
I’m the shadow of vengeance shrouded in a black hood.

Whether the world thinks of my deed good or bad
You will never once hear me become sad.
Over a monster like you that only killed and pillage
Now if your ghost is looking at me, good, for I shall smile as I send your dead body to your village.
This poem took about 4 minutes while thinking of the night and what comes along with it at times.

Is there anything I can do to make this flow better or make the effect stronger?

Is there anything to make the Rhyme Scheme better?

Does the poem fit the genre of emotion?
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:iconthysilverdoe:
Hmm. There were parts of this that I really liked for example: "You're dead no longer a thorn in my side." There was a lot of emotion in this - you could feel the rage, the loss, the need for vengeance. My quibble was in that parts of this the poem seemed compromised to fit the form rather than able to flow freely. I would suggest in the future that mayhaps you would try free form rather than trying to find adequate words to fit a specific form or rhyme scheme. However, on the whole I really did like this. The first four stanzas are probably my favorite.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
30 out of 30 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconjordanthekiller063:
Hi! My name is Andy and I will be critiquing your poem!

Vision: I really love the first stanza. The first two lines show that you are positive about this thought. I really can relate to "You're dead, no longer a thorn in my side". You go on to show anger and sadness almost, then onto revenge. Five stars from me, no doubt.
Originality: I don't see poetry like this very often, and when I do its not very good. Most poems are about being unique or in love. I like how you didn't just rush into it, but instead you sort of explained the pain and then the consequence you would give. Five stars.
Technique: I am not usually into the whole rhyming stuff, but you pulled it off. It's very interesting, and I can relate to this poem. 4.5 stars.
Impact: Like I mentioned earlier, I can relate to this, strongly. It shows that people will eventually snap when pushed to the limit, when everyone they cared for or everything they cared about is taken from them. Five stars, no questions.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
26 out of 26 deviants thought this was fair.

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:iconpocketful-of-corpses:
Pocketful-Of-Corpses Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2014  New member Hobbyist Writer
Very dark, and a murder well deserved indeed. Interesting!
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:iconarcnovaxiii:
ArcNovaXIII Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
well gosh darn thank you! yeah, not all murder is bad!
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:iconpocketful-of-corpses:
Pocketful-Of-Corpses Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2014  New member Hobbyist Writer
I understand that I can be judged for what I am about to say, but I love murder in literature. Juicy, juicy death.
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:iconarcnovaxiii:
ArcNovaXIII Featured By Owner Jul 20, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
meh, it's fine, i have entire novel that has peole being fought and killed, so i can't say that death is a bad thing either. 
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:iconmaikohsakura:
MaikohSakura Featured By Owner Apr 30, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
Damn... And I was just emotional... And this just made me more emotional ...
my heart hurts.
trully
:icontearplz:
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:iconarcnovaxiii:
ArcNovaXIII Featured By Owner Apr 30, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
glad you like it! oh, wish to read the first cchapter of my novel? 
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:iconmaikohsakura:
MaikohSakura Featured By Owner May 1, 2014  Student Traditional Artist
suure~
link plzzzzz :iconawplz:
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:iconarcnovaxiii:
ArcNovaXIII Featured By Owner May 1, 2014  Hobbyist Writer

arcnovaxiii.deviantart.com/art…

                thank you
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:icontabachichi:
Tabachichi Featured By Owner Apr 30, 2014  Student Digital Artist
This is amazing! ( can feel the smile on the murderers face :'<)
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:iconarcnovaxiii:
ArcNovaXIII Featured By Owner Apr 30, 2014  Hobbyist Writer

thank yah! Hey, are you interested in reading the first chapter of my novel?

 

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